


it's just our luck

by lydiamaartins



Category: Looking for Alaska - John Green
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Smoking, also sort of, she has suggestive language?, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-19 03:25:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3594573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamaartins/pseuds/lydiamaartins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pudge hesitantly started rubbing his thumb comfortingly on the outside of her arm, half expecting her to throw some sarcastic remark back at him, inviting him back into their relationship of snarks and awkward flirting that he was comfortable with. This was all foreign to him. -pudgealaska, based off tumblr prompt: please stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's just our luck

It was raining, it was dark, and it was cold when Pudge found Alaska sitting in the barn, rain and tears intermingling on her reddened cheeks. He had come out to escape The Colonel quizzing himself on the world populations, which he hadn't quite mastered, and had been ready to sit on a bale of hay, smoke, and think about the irony and definite danger he was putting himself in by smoking on a bale hay. He wasn't ready to comfort his distraught friend. Then again, he was never ready for anything with Alaska.

He walked over to her and sat down, leaving two inches of comfortable space in between them. She didn't look up or do anything to acknowledge his presence, but she did raise her fist to her face and sniff, wiping away some of her tears. For a long time, neither of them spoke, but the silence wasn't awkward. There was some kind of grace that came with being around Alaska that prevented the usual obstacles that came between Pudge and talking to girls. The rain came down in sheets of cool mist, leaving small drops of water on their faces, sticking in Pudge's hair and traveling the length of Alaska's thin face. Then, Pudge handed her a cigarette.

Her head lifted and she stared at him, a look of incredulousness in her eyes. Then, with a noise that sounded like the cross of a laugh and a shriek, she took it from him. She twirled it between her fingers for a few seconds before shaking her head, a small smile on her lips. "Y'know, if I believed in God, I would thank him for people like you, Pudge."

He bit his lip and smiled. "No problem."

She stopped twirling the cigarette and held it out towards him. "Light me up, Scotty," she wiggled her eyebrows. Pudge shook his head slightly as he laughed, reaching in his pocket for The Colonel's lighter; he had left it on the bathroom counter. After lighting her cigarette, he reached back into his pocket and pulled out a pack, which also belonged to The Colonel. Flipping it open, he nabbed a cigarette for himself, lit it, and let it rest comfortably in the corner of his mouth.

Alaska was blowing smoke rings now, and he knew that she was trying to distract herself, and him, from what had been going on before. Pudge sighed. He knew she was going to be difficult, but he couldn't help himself with her. "So, are you going to tell me what's going on?"

She stopped blowing smoke rings, but didn't say anything. Instead, she took the cigarette out of her mouth and held it out, studying it. She tilted her head and frowned, chewing the inside of her cheek. Then she smiled. "Look at this, Pudge. It's still lit, even though it's raining."

He sighed, but nodded. "I know. I lit it."

Alaska rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Pudge." She continued to stare at the cigarette, and Pudge could tell by the look in her eyes that she was about to go off on another tangent. She raked her fingers through her hair and continued, a fire in her green eyes. "It's because it's not really raining, it's just misting. Since there's not a lot of power behind the mist, it doesn't put out the light."

Pudge listened with a grudging fascination. He watched as she put the cigarette back in her mouth and took a long drag, and the look in her eyes turned sour.

"Of course, if there's enough mist, it'll eventually put it out. It just takes longer with mist because you don't really notice it happening until it's too late," she mumbled bitterly, and crushed the cigarette against the dirt floor. She was quiet for awhile, but Pudge didn't stop looking at her. His cigarette was still hanging from his lip, but he wasn't paying much attention to it. How could he, when Alaska was staring at her clenched fists and looked like she was going to cry?

Slowly, he slid over about an inch, diminishing the distance between them. Alaska let out a single choked sob and basically launched herself into his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed, pounding her left fist into the ground. Pudge hesitantly started rubbing his thumb comfortingly on the outside of her arm, half expecting her to throw some sarcastic remark back at him, inviting him back into their relationship of snarks and awkward flirting that he was comfortable with. This was all foreign to him. His hand moved towards the back of her head and then suddenly he was smoothing her hair, and she lifted her face from his chest.

"You're not half bad at this whole comforting thing," she noted, her voice still thick with tears. She swallowed before turning around so she could lean back against him. Her head fit snug in the crook of his neck, and she looped her fingers around his. He continued circling his thumb, this time into the palm of her hand. "I called my dad," she whispered.

Pudge frowned. He had never heard her mention her father, except for a few indirect jibes. He knew for sure that they weren't close, given her mother's death. "Why?"

She laughed bitterly and dug her nails into the skin of his knuckles. "I have no fucking clue, Pudge. Why? Why would I? What possessed me to do that? Why?" she slammed her fist into the dirt floor, on top of her abandoned cigarette. "I'm a fucking idiot. What the fuck is wrong with me?" Tears were starting to bloom in the creases of her eyes, and she wiped them away angrily, leaving a streak of blood from a scratched knuckle. Her grabbed onto her hands before she could attack the ground again, and slowly began kneading the muscles in her fingers.

"Nothing is wrong with you. It's natural to want to talk to your dad," he weaved his fingers through hers. She stared angrily out at the trees, but left her head against his chest. Pudge gently squeezed her hand before asking, "what did you talk about?"

Alaska sighed. "Nothing, at first. It was awkward and all pleasantries and that stupid shit you always say when you can't think of anything, y'know? But then he starts going off on this tangent about how I should start preparing for college, start looking into career paths and-" she broke off with a choked cough, "I might've told him that I didn't want to go."

Pudge turned and looked at her incredulously. "Why wouldn't you want to go to? You're one of the smartest kids at The Creek, and don't tell me I'm wrong. You've got such a future ahead of you-what about teaching special needs kids? What happened to wanting to do that? Like you said, if you can teach me calc, you can teach anyone anything!"

She laughed once, a slightly bitter sound, the ghost of a smile curving the corners of her lips. "I guess," she mumbled, stretching out one leg and turning to look up at him. Her petite frame sagged against him, and she drummed the fingers of her right hand on his knee. "I just don't know anymore. I've kind of…" she trailed off, looking unexplainably sad, almost defeated, "given up."

A cold shiver ran through Pudge's body. "Wha-what do you mean?" he whispered, thinking of all the horrifying was she could take that statement.

She frowned and pursed her lips. "I don't know." Her fingers traced along the dirt ground, leaving patterns in the landscape and mud under her fingernails. "I don't want to talk about it. This. College. Giving up. Anything."

Pudge swallowed the lump in his throat and protested, "Alaska, think about all the things you could do, how bright your future is-"

Alaska yanked her hand from his and stared at him menacingly. "I. Said. I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It." She settled back against the wooden wall and turned her head away from him.

A feeling a distaste and anger curled in his stomach, and he stood up to go back to his room, to leave her alone and wait until the populations of minor Asian countries lulled him to sleep. He stepped over the patterns of lines Alaska had made with her nails and made his way towards the foliage separating the barn from The Creek.

Rustling behind him made him stop and turn. "Pudge?" Alaska whispered, uncertain sound. He started walking back towards her, stopping when he made it to her side and crouched down. "Can you please-" she sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes, "Please stay."

He was still for a second, her words reverberating around in his head, but then he nodded and fell back on his heels. He in slid next to her, backs against the wall, and looped his left arm around her waist. She put her head on his shoulder, and he couldn't help but notice that it fit perfectly.

Once again, they were silent, but silence with Alaska was never awkward. And maybe, Pudge thought, they could enjoy this comfortable silence together.

Alaska linked her fingers through his free hand and sighed in a way that was almost content. Pudge smiled. They could definitely enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is rcbeccasutters, send me prompts!


End file.
